Lent 2015: Week 3 Reflections

Photo by Maureen Kennedy Macel

"A Good Life" presents a special Lenten guest blog post by Maureen Kennedy Macel (Part 3):

Day 16 Thursday March 5 - [P] Holy

RO: Lent isn’t about us. It is about an encounter with Christ. God gives us the tools of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving to heal our relationship with Him in prayer, to heal our relationship where we are broken within ourselves with fasting, and to heal our relationship with others with almsgiving. // Allow Christ to consume you and pray to be consumed by Him - His beauty, His kindness, His goodness, and His everlasting love.

Jeremiah 17: 5-10

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose hope is the LORD. // I, the LORD, alone probe the mind and test the heart.

Luke 16: 19-31

He said, ‘Oh no, father Abraham, but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’ Then Abraham said, ‘If they will not listen to Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded if someone should rise from the dead.’”

I was looking for the word or feeling of “Holy” all day. I thought the word “Holy”, “Holy”, “Holy” over and over again but that’s as far as I could get in in prayer.

Fortunately God gave me a way to really reflect on “Holy” via the Pittsburgh NOW (Night of Worship) event. In the evening I went with my sister Bridgette to this event and it was 2 hours of a close encounter with Christ in a community of others. It felt very fulfilling! There were speeches, songs, and adoration.

When Bishop Zubik brought the Eucharist in I felt the power of God. And I don’t mean that in a cheesy way like you might think of if you’re thinking this event was like on of those tele-evangelists shows. I mean it in a way that was pure love for God and my heart and mind feeling and knowing the importance of what was before me. In that moment there was no way to continue to stand before the Lord. I fell to my knees in prayer.

Throughout the night I had a variety of thoughts that felt deep and true, but what were they? It largely escapes me. But here a a few things that stand out:

1. “Brothers and sisters: We are ambassadors for Christ, as if God were appealing through us.” - 2 Corinthians.

2. “Probe the mind; test the heart” - In Bishop Zubik’s homily he spoke of this quote from the reading from Jeremiah - and how God probes our mind and tests our hearts. This statement is my existence -- I feel like so much of what I do is think “What should I do with my life?” and my heart feels many things, but then my brain stays in the way making it hard to know what God is really telling my heart. God is there in both my mind and my heart, ever nudging me towards Him and where He wants me to do with this life He has given me. My question should not always be “What should I do with my life?” but rather “What does God want me to do with my life?” If I was brave enough to truly listen I imagine it would be very clear. But I can I be brave? I am not sure that I can be brave enough, and so fear this question.  

3. In focusing on “Hope” I definitely noticed those times when “Hope” was said or a theme. But my thoughts were largely “Oh that could be what I write about!”. And it made me realize that when we narrow our focus so much we can miss so much. There were beautiful messages all around me. But did I hear them? Perhaps I heard the words, but I doubt I truly understood or felt their meaning.

4: When I walked in and found my sister she was talking to the mom of the guy who started The Pittsburgh Home and Holly Joy, the associate director of the youth and young adult ministry for the diocese. Why this was awesome: By chance one night within the last week I heard that on Essential Pittsburgh they would be talking about homeless youth. I called Bridgette to tell her because I knew she had a meeting the next day to talk about homeless youth. She listened to the program. The next morning she grabbed coffee with Holly Joy (separate from her homeless youth talk) where Holly Joy said she was feeling the need to help the homeless youth, but she couldn’t explain why and she mentioned she had heard of The Pittsburgh Home but didn’t know much else. Bridgette was able to tell her about the Essential Pittsburgh episode and that she was attending a talk that day. Holly Joy was then able to connect up with Jon Potter of The Pittsburgh Home.

          We don’t necessarily get to know the full picture of why God calls us to what He calls us. And when we respond to Him with “Yes” our small yeses can snowball to things beyond ourselves and our understanding (and rightly so!). What people may call “coincidence” God is there, seeing the fruition of the seeds He planted in many places.

5: Great scripture for GloryRunners: “Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us.” - Hebrews 12: 1

Day 17 Friday March 6 - [F] Do not listen to music in the car

RO: It is common to ask God for a sign. // Often times we are confused by the signs God gives us. We don’t think that they actually answer the questions we have. God always answers ultimately with the ultimate sign - the sign of Jonah - that He will die for us to prove His love for us and He will rise again in three days to enter into an eternal relationship with us. // The cross; the true sign.

Genesis 37: 3-4, 12-13A, 17B-28A

They sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver.

Matthew 21: 33-43, 45-46

But when the tenants saw the son, they said to one another, ‘This is the heir. Come, let us kill him and acquire his inheritance.’ They seized him, threw him out of the vineyard, and killed him.

I turned off the radio today and drove in silence. Funny how you can hear your own thoughts when you aren’t getting the words of others thrust into your conscience. And it’s not that your brain has to have great thoughts, but it was nice to just think and think free-flowingly. That was Drive #1 and #2.

Drive #3 and #4 were with Ryan. Funny how you can have great conversation when you take the time to not fill the air with random sounds but instead fill it with meaningful ones. We talked about a wide-variety of things and enjoyed each other’s company. And on the trip home I did get to listen to music - but not from the radio but from Ryan singing Hank Williams’ songs.

Slow down. Take time to Think. Take time to really Listen. Not only will you better hear those around you but perhaps you’ll hear God’s whispers.

Day 18 Saturday March 7 - [S] Take a treat or meal to someone

RO: If you and I hope to discover our mission and our identity on this earth - what God might be calling us to do - there is no getting around it - we also have to spent lots of time in prayer getting to know God, getting to a place of quiet where we can hear the voice of God speak. // “God, what can I do today?” “How can I grow closer to you today?” “Do you want me to speak to someone?” “Do you want me to be quiet?” “Do you want me to make a move or a change?”

Micah 7: 14-15, 18-20

Who is there like you, the God who removes guilt and pardons sin for the remnant of his inheritance;

Who does not persist in anger forever, but delights rather in clemency, And will again have compassion on us, treading underfoot our guilt?

Luke 15: 1-3, 11-32

I shall get up and go to my father and I shall say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. // His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son.’ But his father ordered his servants, ‘Quickly, bring the finest robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. Then let us celebrate with a feast, because this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found. // ‘My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’

God made this one easy for me today - a no-brainer. My friend Darcy just had a baby. I made her a meal and a dessert and dropped it off on my way to church. As I was cooking her the meal I felt happy. And I did pause a moment to realize that if I was making the meal for my family I would have thought it a bit of a chore rather than time pleasantly spent doing something for someone else.

I am glad I had that thought. Because:

Who do I love more than my family (other than God)? No one. If that is true and I really mean it then making my family a meal should not feel like a chore. It should be an act of love. And I benefit from it too so really I shouldn’t complain - What’s that? I get to eat this great food once it’s all cooked? That sounds like a pretty good deal to me!

Often I find myself caught up in the day to day and the “To Do” list of what “has to” get done and I don’t think of it as anything other than a chore. But this is my life, and if so much of it is going to be me doing the stuff that has to get done I better change my perspective of it.

While I made the cookies Nora was there, ever trying to get dough out of the bowl and trying to reach the sugar bowl I was dipping the doughballs in. It was a balancing act of telling her no, keeping her hands out, giving in and letting her have some, and making sure Ryan had her when I opened the oven door. I am grateful that I did remember to laugh a few times at how persistent Nora was running from one side of the table to the other trying to get the sugar bowl and arriving just in time for me to move it to the other end. When she wants something she really isn’t stopped by anything. We had time together and I got to enjoy how cutely exhausting she can be. (She knows the word “No” but chooses to ignore it when she’d prefer the answer was “Yes”.)

This all reminds me: Day 11 I mentioned I have often forgotten (forgoften?) to pray before eating. I have an update! For about a day I still forgot. For a few days I remembered, but only after having already eaten. For a few days after that I usually remembered while eating. For a few days after that I had a lovely mix of pre, during, and post remembering and praying. And now I typically remember before I eat or after just a few bites. So perhaps it took a week to get back on the right track, but I am glad I seem to be getting there. (Day 19 Update: I forgot again til after eating… so really this continues to be a bit of an uphill battle!)

Day 19 Sunday March 8 - [P] Patience

RO: Only when God is seen does life truly begin. // Every morning when you wake up try saying this to God: God give me great faith today. // We want to ask for our faith. We want to exercise our faith. We want to learn our faith. And when we do we encounter the living God and that’s when our hearts are transformed.

Exodus 20: 1-17

For I, the LORD, your God, am a jealous God, inflicting punishment for their fathers’ wickedness

on the children of those who hate me, down to the third and fourth generation; but bestowing mercy down to the thousandth generation on the children of those who love me and keep my commandments.

1 Corinthians 1: 22-25

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength

John 2: 13-25

“Destroy this temple and in three days I will raise it up.”

Today Ryan opened the computer and saw the Lenten Calendar so he said “What’s today’s? Patience.” Then basically he laughed evilly, got up, and came over to me. I was sitting on the floor assembling a wood project. He proceeded to repeatedly poke my shoulder with his bare foot while laughing. I sat there and let him do it for about 5 times before I said “Ha-ha. I get what you are doing.” He continued. After a bit more I then said, in a joking way though actually serious because his persistence was indeed starting to get to be annoying: “Dear God, please let me have Patience.” Then he stopped and walked away. I think he thinks he helped me?

Many times when I know I am struggling to have patience and need to have better patience I say to myself “Patience is a virtue… one that I don’t have.” Usually that helps me laugh (on the inside) then relax and actually try to have more patience. But that is usually a situational need for patience -- like in a long, slow line at the grocery store.

But there often is a greater spiritual need for Patience. And this is a constant struggle. I often want things in my time, not in God’s time. And while it helps to keep in mind that “all things happen in God’s time” it is hard to have the proper patience waiting for that proper time to come. It can be very disheartening. If we get caught up in thinking “woe is me” or take it to a defiant place and think “God, I do so much for you, can’t you just do this one thing for me?” we risk keeping our relationship with God in the proper perspective. Rather than focusing on our disappointment we should try to reflect on why now might not be the proper time and think about what it is that God is wanting us to see and learn from our “hardship” of having to wait.

This is at least what I like to think about when I struggle with having Patience. A lot of those “bigger ticket” things in life we can worry over, want, and not understand - when we turn to God we want Him to have the answer for us right then and there. We want Him to immediately show us He heard our prayer. We want Him to show us He is working for us. But we need to remember that it is not He who works for us but we for Him.

Our problem with being patient is that it is a challenge to us to wait. Waiting can be hard, especially when it is something we really, really want. When we struggle in this way we need to remember to “Turn it over to God”. We need to acknowledge that we may not ever understand why we need to be patient, but trust that what His will will be done - all in due course.

I am sure you have many things on your mind and held in your heart that you need to have Patience with. God is a great listener; continue to share with Him and ask Him to grant you the Patience you need.

And if life shows us anything every day it is this: Having Patience is hard. From the little things to the big things - some amount of patience is going to be required. It is how we respond to that need to have patience that matters. Do not just sit and wait! Be actively patient! :: Do we turn it over to God and continue reach out to Him in prayer? And do we remember to listen to what He might be telling us in response?

Update: Nora decided to put on her to-do list “Test Mom’s patience” and commenced it at 4:15am (technically on March 9 so I should have been all warmed up by a whole 24-hour consciousness of “patience”). I completely forgot how to have patience and just went back to bed. But Ryan got up with her. Eventually she decided to fall asleep again at 6:00am and Ryan laid her beside me in bed. It was the sweetest cuddle - with her reaching out her hand every so often to touch my face to make sure I was still there. I felt like I got rewarded for not being patient, so that must have been God gently reminding me to make sure my actions match my words. I can talk all I want about having patience, but if I don’t even try to practice having it at times of need then what good is that?

Day 20 Monday March 9 - [F] No desserts or treats today

RO: St. John Vianney said. “Our sin is like a grain of sand along God’s mountain of mercy.” // Jesus takes our sins and throws them “as far as the East is from the West” (Psalm 103) - that’s infinity. He has forgiven our sins on the cross, and all of our sins, not just few of them but every single one of them. // When He died on that cross He had all those sins on the cross with Him. That’s His love for us. // Will you receive the love that God wants or will you focus on the sin?

2 Kings 5: 1-15AB

The prophet sent him the message: “Go and wash seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will heal, and you will be clean.” But Naaman went away angry, saying, “I thought that he would surely come out and stand there to invoke the LORD his God, and would move his hand over the spot, and thus cure the leprosy. // But his servants came up and reasoned with him. “My father,” they said, “if the prophet had told you to do something extraordinary, would you not have done it? All the more now, since he said to you, ‘Wash and be clean,’ should you do as he said.” So Naaman went down and plunged into the Jordan seven times at the word of the man of God. His flesh became again like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Luke 4: 24-30

Jesus said to the people in the synagogue at Nazareth: “Amen, I say to you, no prophet is accepted in his own native place. // When the people in the synagogue heard this,they were all filled with fury. They rose up, drove him out of the town, and led him to the brow of the hill on which their town had been built, to hurl him down headlong. But he passed through the midst of them and went away.

It is hard to deny my sweettooth. I mean, it’s basically impossible. Even when I am being “good” about not eating junkfood something with chocolate on it seems to find a way into my mouth. But today I was really gung-ho about showing God I could do it for Him.

And outside of a strawberry and milk smoothie (which Nora ordered by pointing at the blender until I stopped explaining we wouldn’t have one today and just said “okay”) I denied myself all treats.  

I didn’t really have any great reflections about it other than it made me feel good inside to do this simple thing today. Every time I thought about having a treat (which was often) I remembered why I wasn’t going to have one and that was that - no big torment, no thoughts of “this is so hard so why do it?”. I just did it. And by doing I felt good.

Day 21 Tuesday March 10 - [S] Say something nice about each person in your family

RO: Why would God send His only Son into the world to die for you and I? He came into the world to die. His destination was the cross and it was love that nailed Him to the cross - love for us. What are we willing to give of ourselves to go out to share that truth with others so that it would not have been in vain. // Will you go and share the truth that He sent His son into the world to die for you and I?

Daniel 3: 25. 34-43

But with contrite heart and humble spirit let us be received; // for those who trust in you cannot be put to shame. And now we follow you with our whole heart, we fear you and we pray to you. Do not let us be put to shame, but deal with us in your kindness and great mercy. Deliver us by your wonders, and bring glory to your name, O Lord.”

Matthew 18: 21-35

Peter approached Jesus and asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.

I thought about saying something nice about my parents, in-laws, and siblings today. But I took the easy way out and just told Ryan and Nora. And even then I forgot to tell Nora until after she was asleep, so I made up for it on March 11.

I love my family so very much. They are wonderful people. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

So why is it so hard to actually speak the words?

I can think all day about what I love about them, how they are so great. But when it comes to actually looking them in the face and saying those things to them why do I stop? I even saw my dad today, but could I bring myself to saying something heartfelt other than “I love you”? No.

Expressing love and showing kindness with words shouldn’t be so hard to do. Your actions can show people how you feel about them. But a kind word spoken  should be such a simple thing to do. We talk all the time, so why can’t we say words that have deep meaning? ...Or perhaps this is not something that affects you and is just a struggle that I have....

So here are my thoughts about this and God:

God loves us so much. Not only does he show us this all the time with His actions and those He inspires in others, but He has also given us the words of scripture so that we can come to know exactly what he is telling us. It is through both action and word that we can come to fully understand the message. One without the other risks leaving an incomplete understanding.

Jesus said to us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. And He doesn’t just speak those words for us to hear and think about. What does He do? He goes out and shows us, in the most beautiful of ways, just how to show your neighbor you love them. Jesus shows us how to live out these words by dying on the cross for us.

Day 22 Wednesday March 11 - [P] Desert

RO: What is Hell? The state of being eternally separated from God. // When He made us he put within our hearts the desire for the eternal and the ability to receive God forever. But what if with my own will I say I don’t want to love, I don’t want to be loved, I want to be left alone. // Don’t just think about Hell. Go out into the world, go into the hells that are in our community - in our homes, in our families, in our workplaces. And bring Heaven to Hell. Bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the announcement that He is risen and that we are saved. Bring that into the dark places. Be a light to the nations like Jesus Christ has called us to be. When we see the reality of hell we can also see the triumph of the cross. Because hell might be what you and I deserve but we have been given so great a savior that we might not perish but we might have eternal life.

Deuteronomy 4: 1, 5-9

However, take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and to your children’s children.

Matthew 5: 17-19

Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called least in the Kingdom of heaven. But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the Kingdom of heaven.”

“Desert” not “Dessert” -which is how I kept reading it every time I saw this one on the calendar.

Fr. Joe Freedy (from Day 19 RO video) presided over mass at St. Mary of Mercy Parish today. And his homily was the most beautiful homily. I wanted to record it so I could play it over and over and really hear the message. But instead what I am left with is my holey memory. (I try, I swear I try, but it can be so hard to remember things!)

He said “Do not be a desert!” (and I had been paying attention but it made me pay extra attention since he said the day’s magic word). He said that during Lent we tend to be in the desert, but what we need to do is get outside our comfort zone. I am not sure what he meant exactly because I have never thought of deserts as comfortable, but fortunately the rest of his message was clearer:

Our relationship with God shouldn’t just be rituals - go to mass, say Hail Marys, say Our Fathers -- those things are great, but we need to get outside of that comfort zone and have a dynamic relationship with God. We need to say spontaneous prayers. We need to really open up our hearts to the Lord. Invite Him into our hearts and have a true conversation with Him.

His homily was passionate and engaging, and made people laugh. And not just the typical muffled chuckles from a few, but real laughs by everyone. He had the whole church’s ears open and hearts open to God’s word.  

When I reflect on “Desert” I tend to think of it as “being alone in prayer”. And this is both a good thing and a bad thing.

How it is good: Put yourself in a desert with God. Where all there is is you and God. It’s pretty peaceful isn’t it? It doesn’t matter that nothing else is there because God provides all things. How relaxing to just take some time to be fully with God.

How it is bad: If we only focus on being alone in prayer we miss God’s call to bring Him into the world and share Him with others. We need to engage in our communities and spread His message. This can require getting outside of our comfort zones of thinking of our relationship with God as “Me & God”. We need to remember to have a relationship of “We & God”. What can I be doing with others? How can I serve the Lord alongside those around me? Not just my person outward to others, but my person with others going outwards to others. Church is a community. (There is no “I” in “Church” only “U”?... wait… It would really help if it was called “Chwech”.)

And at risk of getting so high level with reflections here was my experience today: I had just gotten back to my new work desk (I just moved to a new space today) and I heard the church bells ringing for 12pm mass (which I couldn’t hear from my old seat). It wasn’t hard to hear the voice telling me to go. So I went. The homily spoke directly to my heart, in both its message and how it showed me God hears prayers and responds. Because in mass recently I have been getting distracted during the homilies and think “Why are they so impassionate? All I want is someone to get up there and speak with some emotion.”  And then God gave me today.

On top of that I was doing a double-triple-take looking at the priest and asking “Isn’t that the guy from the RedeemedOnline video?” At one point of his story he said “People say to me Father Joe…” and so then I was pretty sure it definitely was. And of course I thought that was cool.

Then on the way out I saw a grade school teacher of mine Mr. Hoffman and I went and talked to him. Obviously because it was someone I knew and I feel like I never see anyone I know. And also because my boss today challenged me to speak to someone today and bring God to someone. I mean, he clearly already was hanging out with God, so really I think this mainly helped bring God to myself. I was seeking some reinvigoration from God today and he gave it tenfold.

My conversation with my old teacher was go warm-feeling - he asked about my family, I got to tell him I have a daughter, he asked about my parents and my sister, and I got to ask him about his family. Not only was he my grade school teacher but I babysat his kids for years - even after I graduated college - and we often saw each other at mass until a few years ago (when I stopped going to the 9:30am St. Bernard mass because it moved to 9am and because I had a “I will not sit still and I will not not cry” baby.)

Then I stepped outside and Fr. Joe was there and Mr. Hoffman went to talk to him. I mulled around for half a minute waiting to say hello but then interrupted/was welcomed over and introduced by Mr. Hoffman. He said “She used to babysit my kids and now she has kids of her own.” It just made me feel so --loved? I am not sure of the word/feeling exactly but it’s one of the ones that fills your heart. I got to tell Fr. Joe that his words were exactly what I needed to hear today. (And I confirmed with him he did indeed do the RO video (which I told him I also really enjoyed)).

After that I left and headed back to work, but I was starting to cry/have tears and so instead I went on a walk to thank God for this experience today. I mean, perhaps this doesn’t seem tear-worthy. But that is what happened and that is how I responded. Perhaps it was due to the fact I actually communicated thoughts to others via spoken words (see Day 21 why this matters) that made me emotional. Or perhaps it was just being overwhelmed by the beauty of how God works.

God, you are amazing. You always find ways to show me that you are here and listening. Thank you.