Lent 2015: Week 2 Reflections

 Photo by Maureen Kennedy Macel

"A Good Life" presents a special Lenten guest blog post by Maureen Kennedy Macel (Part 2):

Day 8 February 25 - [F] Only water to drink today

RO: The point of Catholic prayer is to put us in touch, in communion, with God. Yet for many Catholics we were never really taught how to pray, but how to repeat. // Many people don’t know how to pray the mass, they just say the mass. // Become a person of prayer. // Always put yourself in God’s holy presence: God is here. // Don’t just ask for stuff for yourself. God wants to give us Himself. The Father reveals His heart to us everytime we pray that we do His will. // Use your own words first. Start off in the mindset of coming to God using your own words. Listen twice as much as you speak.

Jonah 3:1-10

“Neither man nor beast, neither cattle nor sheep, shall taste anything; they shall not eat, nor shall they drink water. Man and beast shall be covered with sackcloth and call loudly to God; every man shall turn from his evil way and from the violence he has in hand. Who knows, God may relent and forgive, and withhold his blazing wrath, so that we shall not perish.” When God saw by their actions how they turned from their evil way, he repented of the evil that he had threatened to do to them; he did not carry it out.

Luke 11: 29-32

While still more people gathered in the crowd, Jesus said to them, “This generation is an evil generation; it seeks a sign, but no sign will be given it, except the sign of Jonah. Just as Jonah became a sign to the Ninevites, so will the Son of Man be to this generation.

Somehow my not reading the Lenten Calendar until after I get to work is really causing issues. First thing I did today was drink orange juice. This was followed by my coffee. Which was followed by my reading “Only water to drink today” and saying “Aw crap.” I have failed yet again.

And I know I had read this one days ago and that it was coming, and at that time I told myself “You are still drinking coffee that day”. This did not have anything to do with a lack of a love of Jesus, but rather I physically need that in order to function. My brain relies on the caffeine or I will get a migraine, let alone also fall asleep. I figured God would understand, because he loves me and knows that I am otherwise trying to live for Him.

The orange juice on the other hand - that was an annoying accident. However, it did help me make it thru the rest of the day. Why? Because so many times I wanted to drink things other than water. And I don’t regularly drink anything non-water except for coffee, tea, or juice - so it wasn’t like this should be super hard. But today because I was told I could not have it I felt like I wanted it all the more - it was always on my mind “I can only drink water. I can only drink water.” Which is extra crazy because water is my go to beverage - so I usually am really content with drinking water.

I definitely missed the greater opportunity here that this fasting was meant to call me to. Every time I thought “I can only have water” I should have also reflected on Jesus’ sacrifice or how I am so very blessed to have water today as well having all kinds of drinks whenever I want them every other day. I am sure most people will remember that part of the fasting is to reflect in prayer. But today I became so consumed by my feeling of “suffering” that I only focused on my physical self and neglected my spiritual self and the whole point of why I am even doing this.

Today reminded me that I am very weak and I need God to keep me and hold me. If I can remain in Him and He in me I have everything I need. I need not food or drink of this world but the food and drink he offers in communion with Him. So obvious upon reflection but I was so blind to His message today.

Let this be my lesson: When I am feeling self-centered and like I am suffering I need to turn to God and turn it over to God. I need to invite God in and ask Him to be with me and ask Him to forgive me in my failings. In prayer I remember that He is what is important; I need His help to help me remember that turning to Him is what I need to do.

Day 9 February 26 - [S] Buy or find 5+ items for a food bank (deliver on March 28)

RO: One way we understand Jesus is the term “Son of God”. // Jesus is one person with two natures. The one nature is that he is human. The other is that he is divine. Fully human, fully divine, one person. // He offers himself eternally to the Father on our behalf. He forgives us of our sins and is forever offering that work that he on the cross to the Father in the love of the Holy Spirit. He is fully God. // Who is Jesus to you? Your understanding of Jesus Christ as the Son of God is very important. If he is not God then he is just a man who died on a cross. // It’s okay to have those nagging questions. Just know that God is big enough to answer those questions and he answers them definitely in the person of Jesus Christ who is fully human and also fully divine.

Esther C: 12, 14-16, 23-25

God of Abraham, God of Isaac, and God of Jacob, blessed are you. Help me, who am alone and have no help but you

Matthew 7: 7-12

Jesus said to his disciples: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds” // “Do to others whatever you would have them do to you. This is the law and the prophets.”

Today is the day I have been excited for the most on the Lenten Calendar! I am not exactly sure why, but yes “excited” is the word for it. As I mentioned on Day 6 I called Operation Safety Net about donating clothes. On Tuesday they called me and let me know that clothes from Goodwill would be perfectly fine. I wanted to go shopping right then and there and then also on Wednesday, but had to be patient and wait until tonight. (I had wait for reasons such as: Nora typically runs thru the clothes racks, she intentionally runs away from me when I try to get her, and she laughs since I cannot catch her, therefore I had to wait until I could go without her.)

Perhaps it had to do with going shopping. But I suspect it really had to do with the good I knew I was helping to happen. I don’t  mean to say “the good I was doing” because I am just contributing to the good and those at Operation Safety Net are those doing the good.

I have this bad habit and definitely weakness for over-shopping for myself (hence what I’ve given up for Lent is online shopping). I’d say I think it makes me happy, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t because usually I end up praying to God to help me get past desiring stuff of this world and focus on Him. (Last Lent I even wrote a few prayers about this very subject, but here I am one year later and this struggle continues.)

But what I know brings me definite joy is shopping for others - especially when I know someone needs something. Usually it is for people like my family. But tonight in those racks at Goodwill I cannot explain the joy God filled my heart with. He gave me this peaceful feeling to say “Yes” to Him in each garment. Every time I found something on the list (sweater, sweatpants, coat, hat, gloves) I saw it, found it to be perfect, and placed it in my cart. Twice I worried about what the total bill would be, but each time my next thought was “No, do not worry. There is no amount you can spend that is not worth it.” And then I trusted in God.

Is a cold person on the street worth this $2 sweater? By all means that answer is “Yes”!

And so I should take a step back in my story, to the moment I left for the store. I went out to my car and found it to be covered with a light layer of snow/ice. I felt the cold the instant I was outside. But I had the luxury of turning my car on and going back inside the house to stay warm. A few minutes later I went back outside. For some reason I didn’t put gloves on despite the fact it is winter. I had to get the ice off of my windshield. In that one minute I was in the cold without gloves God’s message about what I was doing was clear. If I was cold in just one minute of being outside (yes, I was) imagine how someone who is homeless feels? I have never stepped outside in winter and not exclaimed “Man it’s cold!” as I bundled my coat tighter and made my hat more snug. But how often do I think about those that don’t have those things and those that have to live in winter not just live with winter? Not often.

Fortunately God gave me today to do something for Him. I was giddy in Goodwill when I found an entire shelf of winter hats. And no I don’t often get giddy (never+1 time) but I was. I couldn’t get the smile off of my face or stop saying “Oh this is perfect!” This just felt so right.

When I checked out the cashier lady said “Someone’s stocking up!” And I explained that it was for Operation Safety Net and they clothe the homeless. She said it was such a nice thing that I was doing, and I thanked her for saying that  - not because I wanted anyone to tell me I was doing a nice thing (God already let me know that) but before she thanked me she had told me her story: One winter she was unemployed, she has kids, she didn’t have warm enough clothes for them but Project Bundle Up helped her provide her kids with the clothes they needed. She was so appreciative that Project Bundle Up helped her in her time of need.

God brought me this person today. And I was so blessed to see it as it was happening, not just upon reflection. He didn’t have to make it so clear to me that I was doing what He wanted me to do today, but he did.

I know it sounds like a simple story. But to me it was so powerful. And it showed me that God can be simple. Knowing Him. Loving Him. Seeing Him. All simple things because He is in all things just waiting for us to recognize He’s there.

Can we sometimes forget how simple loving God can be? Yes (I don’t have to look any further than my experience on these other Lent days!) But despite our spiritual amnesia He waits for us to remember and come back to Him.

Now I know the Lenten Calendar said “food pantry” and this is not food. But I know this is something God wanted me to do today. I didn’t need a calendar to tell me to do it. That made me feel so full. And I will be delivering these items hopefully tomorrow since they need the items now since it is cold. So when it comes to March 28 I could easily go to my own pantry and grab 5+ items for delivery to the food pantry; that is what I plan to do that day. But right now I know this clothes substitution is where God has called me. And so humbly I follow.  

2/27 Follow-up: During lunch time I dropped the clothes off at Operation Safety Net. Outside on the street it was sunny, quiet, just one other person was on the street. As I entered the doors and went downstairs there was a buzz; such a juxtaposition from the moment before. Many people were sitting at tables, staying warm, conversing. I stood for a minute waiting for the man to help me (he was busy with the mail and didn’t notice a few of us actually there waiting for him). I got his attention, he took care of me. I left. And I felt good about it for one minute until I realized that I definitely should have let the guy who was there before me go first! I felt like such a terrible person! I got so caught up in my own needs that I completely forgot about someone else -- and that was even in a moment of “doing good”! Can I never learn anything from what God is trying to tell me? I should not place myself first no matter how important I think I am. I am not as important as I’d like to think I am. Let the last be first and the first be last…. I need to sheepishly move myself to the end of the queue...

Day 10 Friday February 27 - [P] Jesus

RO: Three ways that you can begin to come around to hearing God. First, God desires and longs to speak to us. // Secondly, indulge yourself in sacred scripture. Begin to open up the Bible. // God’s word speaks to us. // Lastly, find a quiet place consistently in your life… where you can pray. // This Lent pray, read scripture, find a quiet place and believe in your heart that God longs and desires to speak to you.

Ezekiel 18: 21-28

If the wicked man turns away from all the sins he committed, if he keeps all my statutes and does what is right and just, he shall surely live, he shall not die.

Matthew 5: 20-26

Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny.”

Is it bad that when I see [P] (prayer) on the calendar I am relieved? I think “All I have to do today is pray. Phew!”

That really should make me challenge myself to do more. But I am within the first 10 days of what is feeling like a very long Lent and I think I might be suffering from Lent exhaustion. It is very difficult to challenge myself to do good for God every day. And here I was thinking I was being a pretty good Catholic and serving the Lord in various ways. This is a loving punch to the face from God showing me that I need to wake up and serve Him better. These last 10 days have shown me it is possible to do more, and it may not be easy but I need to challenge myself for God.

I need to break my bad habits of just slothing my way thru life; doing things for God here and there but not taking the reins and really living my life for Him. God loves me and loves this world. I need to be a better vehicle for the good that God wants to be in this world. Because if I am not doing good for God what am I doing? I need to make a habit of doing good for God.

A prayer for Jesus: Dear Lord, thank you for dying for me. Help me to live for you.

Day 11 Saturday February 28 - [F] Eat very simple meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

RO: Is our relationship with God about a feeling? Is it based on an emotion? God isn’t an emotion. God is a person. // The challenge to all of us is this: To be able to not only see our relationship with others, but to be able to see our relationship with God as more than just a feeling or an emotion to put our foundation upon. // To be able to see God not for what He can do for us, for how He can make us feel. But to see God for who He is. To see Him for how much he loves us and to see others in that same way. I promise you you’re going to discover a love that is greater and richer and deeper than any other love you’ve ever felt.

Deuteronomy 26: 16-19

Moses spoke to the people, saying: “This day the LORD, your God, commands you to observe these statutes and decrees. Be careful, then, to observe them with all your heart and with all your soul.

Matthew 5: 43-48

Jesus said to his disciples: “You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy, But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father.

Knowing that I had lunch with my siblings planned I considered not trying this one. I feel like that has happened a lot these last 10 days. I don’t like the thing so I don’t want to do it. And that is all the more reason why I had to make myself do it! “Suck it up, self. You’re telling me you can’t do this one little thing for God who has done so much for you?”

I did not like it because it was hard to do. But once I committed to doing it it wasn’t that bad or hard. Funny how once you change your mindset how your perception of the thing can change.

And perhaps I failed in some respects because what does “very simple” even mean? I have no idea. I ate two eggs for breakfast, at lunch I had a spinach-fruit salad (and pop, so that was probably bad), and then for dinner greenbean casserole.

I was conscious of what I was eating today, and I think that was part of the point -- do not take what you have for granted. I had the luxury of being able to afford lunch out at a restaurant, and I appreciate that. But what this day has helped me realize is that I often do forgot to pray before eating. I used to be very, very cognizant of praying before eating - and basically always did it - and I have definitely not been remembering to do that very much these days.  

If we don’t pray and give thanks to God we risk taking what we have for granted. Let us always remember it is He who blesses us. Let us give God thanks for what he provides!

Day 12 Sunday March 1 - [S] Pick up litter outside your house or at a park

RO: This week: Pray for the grace to be able to see God. To be able to see Jesus differently. This transfiguration isn’t just for Peter, James, and John or Moses and Elijah but it’s for us - it’s for you. That you’re able to see Jesus, see God, in a different manner.  

Genesis 22: 1-2, 9A, 10-13, 15-18

“Do not lay your hand on the boy,” said the messenger. “Do not do the least thing to him. I know now how devoted you are to God,  since you did not withhold from me your own beloved son.”

Romans 8: 31B-34

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him?

Mark 9: 2-10

“This is my beloved Son. Listen to him.”

This one (“Pick up litter outside”) made me laugh. It is winter. It snowed 3 inches overnight. I could go outside looking for litter but I would not be able to find it. I laughingly mentioned to my husband three times to day: “Now about that litter I need to find…”

I even attempted to think of an alternative thing to do. I came up with nothing. That is so sad. Here I am in the midst of all this “Put God First. Remember how much Jesus has suffered for you.” time and my own brain couldn’t come up with a single good thing to do. But I also think it was laziness. I could have come up with something. Heck I could have looked at the Lenten Calendar and picked a random thing to do and done it…. That’s not a bad idea actually [time lapse 5 minutes while I review the calendar to pick something to do… and I’m back.] ... Wow, can I admit I mostly just read everything and was like “What?! ‘No TV or screens today’ again! Ugh.” and that distracted me so much I didn’t actually pick anything?

Barring any good insight, prayer, or deed I will leave you with this analogy that I told Ryan and to which he said “That doesn’t even make sense”:

The litter on the ground is like the sins on our soul. We need to go and pick the litter up. And the snow is like what people see - they can’t see the litter.

So trying to perhaps more fully explain what I mean (which I didn’t attempt to do for Ryan since he didn’t like my analogy in the first place):

Litter = Sins

The Ground = My soul

Picking up the litter = Going to confession

Snow = Outward appearances

So in plainer words: By going to confession we remove the sins from our souls.

The snow is what other people see and/or what we can make ourselves appear to be to others -- nice and perfect and holy. But we know that really we are covered in litter, they just can’t see it. But God can see all of our litter, and he wants us to pick it up and litter no more.

So assuming that everyone else also thinks it is a terrible analogy I will leave you with a prayer I wrote in my prayer journal in March 2014:

Heavenly Father, forgive me my sins. Forgive me my weakness. Forgive me for my unexplainable inability to follow you fully. Do not give up on me. Please keep me near you and help me to live properly so that I may be near you always. Help me to love you, not for a moment or when I remember. But always - at all times, in all places, now and forever. Amen.

Day 13 Monday March 2 - [P] Spirit

RO: We have a God who calls us home no matter how far away we feel. I don’t care what your sin is, what your sin of choice is, what you’ve done or how many times you’ve done it. We have a God that says “Come home.” // Our faith is a journey and you don’t have to be perfect to go to God but it is going to God that perfects you, that changes you, that makes all things new.

Daniel 9: 4B-10

“Lord, great and awesome God, you who keep your merciful covenant toward those who love you and observe your commandments! We have sinned, been wicked and done evil; we have rebelled and departed from your commandments and your laws. // O LORD, we are shamefaced, like our kings, our princes, and our fathers, for having sinned against you. But yours, O Lord, our God, are compassion and forgiveness!

Luke 6: 36-38

Jesus said to his disciples: Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give and gifts will be given to you

By the time I put Nora to bed my spirit for the day had dwindled down to nothing and I was ready for bed myself. She simultaneously brings so much joy to my spirit and exhausts me physically, making me so tired I run out of steam. Ryan told me to just plow ahead (which is what he was doing) and just make myself continue on. In reflecting on my exhaustion and “Spirit” here is what I realized:

Our Spirit lies within us - when we nurture it springs forth, ready to greet the day. Just focusing on the day-to-day risks letting the challenges of life weigh us down and risks silencing our Spirit. Life can give us things that strengthens our Spirit, but it can also bring things that crush it. If we think of our Spirit as being up to us to make or break we miss the greatest opportunity God has given us to invite Him into our hearts.

God gave us the Holy Spirit to guide us in life and strengthen our inner-spirit. It is the Holy Spirit that is always there. Sometimes we may be too tired to see that He is there in us and offering us the strength we need, and it is then that we most need to call on the Holy Spirit - for strength, for peace, for hope.

When we think of “spirit” we often think of ourselves and our personal spirit; we use our heads to try to fill our hearts. We need to stop doing that and instead feel the “Holy Spirit”. The Holy Spirit is not something just in our heads or our hearts or in our hands or in our words - but everywhere within us and around us. When we remember to call on the Holy Spirit and bring God in to our lives we will feel very full in God’s love.  

“The Holy Spirit is an inexhaustible well of the life of God in us.” - Pope Francis

Part 2: My Grandma Grinko was a very religious, very loving, very supportive person. She always seemed to have stories about how she was in a situation that required communicating God’s love for the person. She would say she prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide her words because she often had no idea what she was going to say. She always gave the Holy Spirit credit for being able to say the thing that the person needed to hear. And she was always amazed at how the Holy Spirit worked thru her. Her “sermonette” lessons have sat in my heart thru this very day. When I have no idea what I need to say I think of my Grandma and say a prayer to the Holy Spirit to enter in. I trust in the Holy Spirit to guide my words. (And I get that awesome bonus of remembering and feeling the presence of my Grandma.) Let me always remember: I am a vehicle for the Holy Spirit.

Day 14 Tuesday March 3 - [F] Do not use toys that require batteries or electricity

RO: Is it wrong to be angry? The quick answer is no. // We know from scripture that Christ himself was angry. // We need to be able to see trials and suffering and little crosses as opportunities to grow in holiness. // With proper discernment we can channel how we respond to this anger.

Isaiah 1: 10, 16-20

cease doing evil; learn to do good.

Matthew 23: 1-12

The scribes and the Pharisees have taken their seat on the chair of Moses. Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example. For they preach but they do not practice.

Since I don’t play really with toys (except for Nora’s) I have interpreted this as “do not use your phone for anything other than making calls/texts today”. I mostly succeeded but definitely failed twice - mainly by forgetting that taking a picture counted as using my phone. Dang it swiss army phone! On the other hand I did only send one text. So mission accompl-ish-ed?

The message from scripture today is to “practice what you preach”. To paraphrase a priest’s homily about this: Do your words match your actions?

How often are our struggles “failing despite our best intentions”? The scribes and Pharisees intentionally were hypocritical and knew that they were preaching without practicing. Jesus’ message to us to is not to be intentionally hypocritical, but instead to work hard and try to have our actions match His ways. Though we might fail He loves us for trying. And though we might fail He wants us to keep trying. He encourages us to “cease to do evil; learn to do good.”

Notice the words “learn” and “practice” in His message? Jesus wants us to try for Him. He recognizes that we are not perfect. We won’t get it right right away. But that is okay. As long as we recognize our shortcomings and continue to work to walk in His ways we are on the right path.

Let us pray for the ability to better recognize when we fail to practice what He preaches so that we are ever learning how to do good.